‘Tis the Season for good cheer and goodwill. So if you’re going to deliver an insult, make it classy and witty.

There are plenty of websites (many of them quite raunchy so be careful), dedicated to insults. Here is a list of clever, clean, and witty insults.

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” — Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow
  • “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” — William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… If you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill… followed by Churchill’s response: “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.” — Winston Churchill
  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb
  • “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” — Samuel Johnson
  • “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” — Paul Keating
  • “He had delusions of adequacy.” — Walter Kerr
  • “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Mark Twain
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” — Mae West
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” — Oscar Wilde
  • Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” Winston replied, “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

Thanks to Alan Joel of Alan Joel Partners for providing the list.

Joey Asher

Joey AsherJoey Asher has worked with thousands of business people helping them learn how to communicate in a way that connects with clients. His new book 15 Minutes Including Q&A: a Plan to Save the World from Lousy Presentations” is available now. He is also the author three previous books including “How to Win a Pitch: The Five Fundamentals That Will Distinguish You from the Competition”, “Selling and Communication Skills for Lawyers” and “Even A Geek Can Speak.”